Office Party Zschush

To be used: when you have to go straight from work to office party and you need a quick spruce up generally so you look less like a faded corporate pawn and more like someone who looks like they are enjoying themselves.

Objective: Look tidier.

Timing: You should be able to complete the zschush in under 11 minutes.  Anything more is overdoing it and then work people will then think you dressed up for them. And we really don’t want that.

Remember, you aren’t going to a black tie wedding. (How shit are those though, while we are on the subject? Expecting your guests to either a) have formal evening wear readily available, or b) rent said formal wear which costs an arm and a leg, is the biggest load of wank I have come across). This is an office party! A quick squick of the old dove gradual moisturising tan the night before is more than adequate. You don’t need to head to Sadie’s Sunshine Salon for another $60 spray tan. And a further reminder: this is also not the time to try anything new. For pity’s sake. The long wearing tangerine lipstain is a great idea when you have hours to correct any mistakes, but you don’t have that right now.

Right, to begin. Try to go to the quiet ladies’ room the other side of the floor, where you won’t be annoyed by nasty whiffs and Paula from the pod over talking about her premature arthritis and sciatica. Yes I know you hate that office bathroom lighting but I hate to tell you this, it’s accurate. However tempting it is, resist slapping on too much coverup – it’s still daylight outside and you don’t want to look like Ru Paul when you step on out the street.

Ok, foundation on, now a quick curl with the eyelash curlers and reinforcement of mascara coverage. DON’T EVEN THINK about applying silly things like falsies. This is outside of remit of Office Zschush.

Bit of a sweep with the highlighter, leave it there for a minute while you quickly apply a bit of eye shadow – keep it light with colours you know and trust. Multitasking very much the buzz word here.

Rub highlighter in to the highlight areas. Quick outline of brows.

Add some cheek colour / bronzer.

Add some very quick lip colour. You don’t have time to do the lip liner and bow. Just a quick slash of gloss and you’re done. Blot that stuff as well – makeup on teeth is bad.

Right – now your hair has been in office appropriate do today. You don’t have time to do anything elaborate or straighten it properly. Grab some dry shampoo, let it settle a moment, brush it out then stick hair in fashioned top knot. One of these is bloody useful. Check from the back to see that it’s tidy enough. Enough is ever the catchword here.Don’t start again cos it’s not perfect.

Last step – quick spray of light perfume. Again, don’t overdo the midnight passion eu de pong. People in the office have sensitive noses.

By all means quickly step out of office attire and into your civvies. Again! You must not wear anything you are saving for actual special occasion, e.g. friend’s birthday. Overdoing it defeats purpose of Office Zschush.

Now – go! And drink your company’s bartab until it runs out! You deserve this.


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